How to Win Friends and Influence People may have sold tens of millions of copies, but its author, Dale Carnegie, wasn’t born a complete natural at embodying the principles the book espouses. Instead, the warm, low-key charm Carnegie was known for during his life was developed through intentional and consistent effort and practice.
One of the tools Carnegie used to hone his social prowess was a folder he kept called “Damned Fool Things I Have Done.” As detailed in his biography, when he made some kind of social misstep that reflected a behavior or quality he wanted to improve, he wrote down the incident and filed it away. “I put in that folder, month after month, written records of the damned fool things I have been guilty of,” Carnegie said. “I sometimes dictate these memos to my secretary, but sometimes they are so personal, so stupid, that I am ashamed to dictate them, so I write them in longhand.”
Carnegie’s “D.F.T” folder contained records of the times he stuck his foot in his mouth, committed a faux pas, made someone feel awkward, gave into laziness, arrived somewhere late, bungled a conversation, procrastinated, lost his temper or patience, and so on.
One of its entries said: “Wasted ten minutes in an unnecessary harangue with the phone company about their shortcomings.”
Another read: “H.P. Gant made an extraordinary success as toastmaster tonight. I should have complimented him highly, but I was so absorbed in myself that I neglected to say any words of appreciation.”
When an office clerk was slow to help him, Carnegie made this record of the interaction: “I was peeved. My voice showed it. I irritated the clerk and got very poor service in return…It affected nothing desirable whatever. I, who take money from people for telling them how to handle human nature, was as crude and ineffective as a caveman. I was ashamed of the incident.”
Under an entry he labeled “Don’t make sweeping statements that may offend someone,” Carnegie wrote: “I said, while teaching the 5-7 PM class, that ‘all Tammany politicians are crooks,’ or something nearly that. Joseph Davern, an ardent Catholic, took a feeling of exception to it. It was just at the time that religious controversy regarding Al Smith’s religion was developing. Davern made a most excellent speech on tolerance, decrying the fact that I should make such an unguarded and unfounded accusation. I apologized.”
While the advice often given today is not to dwell on one’s mistakes, Carnegie thought it was best to get your shortcomings out in the open and confront their cringe-inducing reality head-on. If embarrassing social failings only pop into your head while you’re lying in bed at night, and then get quickly pushed out of the mind, it’s not possible to learn from past foibles and figure out how to get better in the future. For Carnegie, writing down his deficiencies and then regularly reviewing the contents of his Damned Fool Things I’ve Done folder was a helpful habit — akin to the spiritual practice of self-examination. As he observed:
When I get out my D.F.T. folders and re-read the criticisms I have written of myself, they do more to help and direct me than anything Solomon could have written. They help me to deal with the biggest problem I shall ever face: the management of Dale Carnegie.
For more insights from Carnegie on how to develop your social prowess, listen to this episode of the AoM podcast:
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