“No word is oftener on the lips of men than Friendship,” said Henry David Thoreau. “All men are dreaming of it, and its drama…is enacted daily.”
Given Thoreau’s misanthropic, taciturn reputation, it may seem surprising that he spoke so loftily of friendship, and especially that he associated it with “drama.”
But, in fact, few men have ever thought and felt more deeply about friendship than Thoreau. And while he indeed had little appetite for drama in the modern, colloquial sense — overexaggerated emotions, conflict for the sake of conflict, talking about the relationship — he thought that friendships were filled with drama of another sort.
What makes friendship unique is the voluntary nature of the relationship.
Familial ties are dictated by fate and bound by blood; no matter the tensions that arise between family members, their lives remain forever connected.
The bonds of friendship, however, are volitionally entered into, and can be volitionally left behind.
Though the expectations of friendship are never codified, or typically even spoken aloud, they must be lived up to.
The perpetuation of a friendship is premised on each party continuing to find value and worth in the other — in the perpetuation of mutual affection and admiration. Its bond must ever be earned and re-earned.
Thus, the continuance of even the most long-standing and steadfast friendships can never 100% be presumed upon.
While the necessity of effort, the risk of falling short, and the uncertainty of permanence make friendships feel less certain and secure, it’s also what lends them their tang, their excitement, their charge.
This was the “drama” of which Thoreau spoke.
This is why he said, “Friendship is evanescent in every man’s experience.”
This is why an electricity exists between current friends, and why, even when time, distance, and strife intervene, friendships are remembered like “lightning in past summers.”
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